Closing the Door of Desperation

When I was younger, I was so desperate for attention from guys, I lowered my standards and my worth. I allowed guys to treat me badly and be in friends with benefits type situations. I am not proud of it, but this is something I need to talk about.

I keep trying to hold out for the guy that is gonna pop up in my life, but instead I am CONSTANTLY treated like a hook up.

In the past, I would eventually give in to these requests because well I wasn’t being offered anything else.

These days it makes me angry. Because within the last MONTH, not one, not two, but three guys have reached out to me. Even though I have made it clear, I am looking for a real relationship, these guys have the guts to come back and continue to treat me me this way.

I am upset. You could say I deserve it. I put it on myself.

You might be right, yes, I opened that door. It was a door of desperation to feel some kind of love even if it was lust, the lie of love.

Within the last couple of years, I have been trying to close that door. Lock it, seal it, never deal with it again. But men continue to knock and try to open this door.

I am so sick of it. I am angry, because I have been PRAYING for a man. A good christian man to be in my life, and then I am CONSTANTLY dealing with this.

It makes me question my worth. It makes me wonder if this is all I am. It makes me angry with God, like God, why? All of these other women around me are married, in relationships, and I just keep being treated like shit. I don’t understand. I am hurt that this is what is popping up in my life, rather than a real man. Where are you?

I don’t know if this speaks to anyone out there who might be going through something similar. But, something I have had to do is write a list of all the things God says I am, and I have it posted in my room right next to my deodorant, so every time I put it on, I read the list. Sometimes when things happen, I ask myself, “Who does God say I am?” And I start remembering things from my list.

God says I am: Good. Loved. Worthy. Free. Beautiful. Fruitful. Brave. A Leader. A Warrior. IMPORTANT.

If anyone is treating you less than that, move on. Close the door.

Psalm 46:5 (NIV)

⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.

 

wake up, sleepers

I will admit that within the last couple of months, I have not been intentional with God. In fact, I would say since I joined a stupid dating app, I have felt more distant with God. I found myself getting more depressed about my body and questioned if I even deserved a man because I have done terrible things in the past. I isolated myself away from friends and people, and I burrowed my soul to a dark place. I started to feel like my life was just on repeat- go to work, come home, watch TV, repeat.

And it felt like a unsatisfying life. What was I accomplishing in life? Nothing. Who was I impacting? Nobody. Living that lifestyle only took me to a deeper state of loneliness.

I recognized this feeling and this pattern, and I prayed to be awakened….

Ephesians 5:14 (NIV)

¹⁴ This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

This verse in Ephesians has always stuck out to me, and it feels sometimes as if Paul wrote this to me, and for me. I have a pattern of isolation. I have a pattern of numbing myself. I feel like I am sleepwalking through life sometimes.

I stumbled onto this song called Song for a Dreamer, and I found myself screaming the words in this song to myself and to anyone else who may be feeling the same. I screamed the words “Wake up dreamer, don’t sleep tonight.” I wanted to wake up from my sleepwalking, wake up and move. Do something meaningful with my life. I am so much more than work, more than TV.

Since then, I found a desire to study french again. I force myself to read at least one chapter in a book before I can watch TV. I am challenging myself to seek God every morning and devote more than 5 minutes to Him, though this is still a work in progress.

I can’t be the only one feeling this way, and so I pray for those who are numb, who are sleepwalking, who are isolated…

Wake up! O Sleepers. I pray that God awakens your soul and that your eyes are opened with a new energy that you have never felt before. I pray for old passions to rise and new ones to be laid before you. The enemy wants you to sleepwalk. He wants you to not do anything for God or do anything purposeful. You have so much more to offer to this life, and I pray you wake up and do the things you’ve dreamed about. Even if you feel like God isn’t there or nothing is moving, God is there. He is with you. Rejoice in Him. It’s time to move!

 

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV)

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

End of Year Disappointment

To be honest, the past couple months have felt weird for me. And I think I know the reason why. Earlier this year, I took the leap with God, and I prayed a prayer that my soul was scared to speak out of fear of disappointment.

I really thought this year was going to be the year. The year I would meet him. The year something would happen. Back in the summer, I thought maybe online dating was how God wanted me to meet him. I thought I had to be doing something and putting myself in a situation for him to move in this area in my life. I let online dating take over my time with God, and the more something didn’t happen, the more disappointed I got. And then I got angry and numb.

It got harder to pray. It got easier to isolate myself.

I am in the midst of getting myself out of this. On Monday, I listened to two podcasts/sermons that helped open my eyes to the root, but honestly, I am still working through my disappointment. Keep in mind too, before I even listened to these, I was done thinking that God had a man for me, and my heart was hardened.

The first one was from Venture Church called The Hope and Fears of all the Years.

At one point, he referenced Corrie ten Boom, and the story about how in the concentration camp, her sister wanted Corrie to thank her for the fleas even though Corrie did not like them, and they did anyway. Later, they found out the guards stopped coming to their cell block because of the these fleas, and because the guards were not there, Corrie and her sister were able to hold bible studies with an illegal bible.

The fleas had a reason for existing. The bad things, the bad times… were used for good.

The next podcast I listened to was by Mia Fields called A BEAUTIFUL STORY (Select the podcast with this title from the list/ it was posted 10/4/18). Her story was amazing to listen to, and surprisingly, it inspired me by the end.

One thing she mentioned that stood out to me, was that she would thank God at the end of each year that it wasn’t that year, and then she would turn around and pray for it to be the next year. Which sounded very familiar to the Corrie ten Boom story. Being grateful for the bad things or things that we are disappointed in.

I knew God was pressing me to pray and be thankful that this year wasn’t the year, and it took everything in me to finally say the words. It took me a couple of times to actually mean the words.

Listening to these sermons helped remind me that I need to fight these feelings, and I need to stand with God in his promise. I need to speak the truth over myself daily.

This is where I am at. I know God is right next to me in this journey, cheering me on, but I have let the enemy distract me from God’s good words, and this needs to stop.

Lord, I pray you protect my heart and my mind. Thank you that this was not the year I met him, and I pray in faith that you will provide him to me next year. I pray you continue to work in me. I pray that you take away my disappointment, and you help me replace it with your favor and protection. Awaken my soul even more that you have. I want to be close to you again. I can’t survive without your protection and peace. 

Proverbs 5:21

²¹ For your ways are in full view of the Lord,
    and he examines all your paths.

The Winning Team

In my last post, I mentioned that as a 31 and single woman I felt like the kid getting picked last for teams. And on Sunday, the pastor at Vive Church gave a word, and I know it was from God.. for ME. He talked about how good it felt getting picked on the winning team in school.

It was just amazing to see God hear my cry and give a word to help me change my perspective.

It’s not about me getting picked by a guy. It’s not about being married. It’s not about feeling last. It’s about being on His team. I am on the winning team with God. Shouldn’t that be satisfaction enough? And God chose me.

I always tend to focus in on this thing I don’t have in my life, but I just need to be satisfied in His love, His victory, and knowing the battle is already won. He has already given me His Promise. I need to stand and walk in His victory and be confident in who I am. Who God wants me to be. Who He is challenging me to be.

Clearly, this is a struggle for me. Like God opens me eyes and shows me He is ENOUGH for me, but then I get lost in the desires of heart, and I start listening to the lies of the enemy that God is withholding something from me. I want to be consistent in believing God’s promise, and I need to adjust my strategy for when the enemy comes around.

Anyway, the pastor’s word totally encouraged me, and so I want to encourage you. God hears you. He answers prayer. He LOVES you. You are special. He has a plan for you. He comes through in His Promises. He is the God of Miracles. Believe it, Stand firm in it.

2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

⁷ for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Digging Deeper

Back in January, I asked God for this to be the year. The year I would meet my future husband. It was a desperate and hopeful prayer, and I was really scared to pray for it honestly because doubt lingered close by, and a fear that it wouldn’t happen. It wouldn’t happen this year or ever.

There is some hurt inside of me, and I didn’t realize this until yesterday after I was listening to a podcast sermon. But the sermon forced me to ask myself “Why do I get so hurt? by the church when they bring up relationships? when people tell me I am not putting myself out there or that it will happen when I least expect it? Why does it make me so angry?”

I really thought about it and took a while to find the deep root of my hurt. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like the girl that got overlooked. My crushes never liked me back, and then there were other girls who had multiple guys pursuing them. Girls who were magically beautiful and dating guys left and right, and I was still super awkward.

I didn’t feel special. And a part of me is dealing with this emotion because sometimes I still don’t feel special. 31 and single? I feel like a left over. I feel like I am the last kid to be picked for teams.

I’ve been trying to flip it and convince myself that maybe I am extra special..? Like I’m so unique that only one dude knows how to deal with me and he’s somewhere out there..? LOL

I just don’t know. I believe God can do anything that He can make it happen in a grocery store, at the gym, at church. I need to keep believing He can do this and standing firm on his promise because I keep battling thoughts that it’s never going to happen or it hasn’t happened because I am not special or pretty enough. 

Still struggling, but working on myself every day…

James 5:7-8 (NIV)

⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

Single in the Church

Yesterday, I was really struggling. I was asking God, “Am I even going to have a husband? Was this something you promised me?”

I thought back on my entire life, and I have always desired for a husband. I mean at the age of 5 I had a crush on my neighbor. And then the obsession only grew with Leonardo DiCaprio’s luscious hair and the Hanson brothers tune of MMM Bop.

I felt like God confirmed a yes to me in worship that this is something that He promised to me because it’s been ingrained in my DNA since I was 5. Then, the church had a promotional video for a romantic relationship series. I just felt… almost attacked like I just completed a family series at another church, now a relationship series? If churches are going to provide these series, which yes I think are good, but involve the single people as well. Make a series for me.

I don’t mean to sound whiny, but I am very hurt by the church these days. I almost left after the promotional video because I am tired of being forgotten. And if they do say something, it is not encouraging.

The other day this married girl from church “joked” that I would end up waiting 12-13 years like Joseph for my husband. I laughed it off in the moment, but I cried later.

A pastor “joked” that the people who are single are weird, but his main point was that single people are not ready, which I do not agree with.

I am so frustrated because I feel misunderstood. By the church and by the people. I was promised a husband. I am not being punished by God. God is not withholding something from me. God is working something in me, and I feel like I am stronger  because guess what? I have to do it all by myself.

I wonder how can I be a voice to this? How can I raise this issue? How can I speak the people who are in my shoes? Tired of being forgotten, tired of the lies that are joked about and spoken over me?

If you feel the same pain I just wrote about, I want you to know that you are chosen. Chosen to make a difference to this single nation. We have a purpose, and I pray God gives us the courage and the opportunities to encourage others.

If you are married, I just want to ask you to please be compassionate and understanding. Please don’t look down on being single. I respect you, and I desire what you have, but you are not better than me, and I am not better than you. Please be sensitive to the desire that burns inside of us.

1 Peter 2:9 (NIV)

⁹ But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

Live Your Life

Being single is not a waiting game. I am tired of hearing “if you are in this time of singleness and you are just waiting for a spouse.” I am tired of MYSELF thinking and saying this too that I am waiting for a husband.

Like, Jessica, just live your life. This is your life. You want to travel? Go do it, don’t be waiting for a spouse to go with you. You want a house? Go do it, don’t be waiting for a husband to live with you.

This year, I have really been able to let go of the overwhelming desire for a husband. I surrendered this desire completely to God. I mean yes, I can still be sad about it like in my previous post. But before I still had my hold on it because I was still letting guys disrespect me, and I was still doing what I wanted to do.

I asked God to fill me, fill me up with HIS love and help me to be satisfied in HIM, which I, honestly, don’t think I ever have been. I’ve always wanted something else or something temporary, God never seemed to be enough for me, and I wanted to change that.

God is enough for me. Christ is enough me. I need to stop thinking that I am just waiting around for a spouse, when I have a life to live. I have dreams that I need to start acting on. Nothing can fulfill me, only God can, and I want to start doing what He has created me for, what he SAVED me for. The more satisfied in Christ I become, the more I want to spend time with him. The more I spend time with him, the more satisfied I am in HIM. 

Live your life! Submit yourself daily to Jesus, talk to him daily, obey him daily, represent him daily, resist the devil daily, do something daily for God.

 

Psalm 37:4 (NIV)

⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

DELIGHT– be fully, completely, joyfully satisfied in Christ.

Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters

raw and real

I’ve made peace with my time of waiting, but this past week, I’ve been really sad about it.

I go to church, and the message is all about raising families, and couples are scattered in the crowd. Seems like I am the only one sitting by myself. I look over, and I notice an old friend, married and now pregnant.

I’ve lost my positive perspective lately, and I am upset that I am 30 years old and nothing. I don’t understand right now, and I am sad that this is my path. Being forced to be alone. Grocery shop by myself, go to movies by myself, go out to dinner by myself. I usually have fun with it, but lately, it’s just been sad.

I have been satisfied in God, but something inside me just broke down this last week. I think I have been trying to stay strong and positive, but after fighting for it, it can get exhausting. I feel like I have been holding my armor up for so long, and now my arms, heart, and soul are just tired from it.

I try to be happy for other couples and their successes, but at the same time, I think Why hasn’t that happened for me yet? Like not even a little bit? What am I doing wrong? Why does that person get the thing I want and more? Even people who have been divorced and then remarried? Like how did they get TWO? I have been waiting patiently for just ONE.

I know it will happen in His perfect timing, but I’m sad about it this week. So if you could pray for me, that would be great because I am really struggling. I need a renewed viewpoint and a renewed spirit.

I just don’t get it right now.

Psalm 27:14 (ESV)

¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

ready?

Since my breakup in 2014, I have been through an amazing journey. A journey that directed me to get healing from my past. A journey that opened my eyes to the wonders of God. A journey that prepared me to ultimately surrender.

I totally trust God, and I believe He can have me meet anyone at any time. It’s just that I don’t seem to get out too much these days.

That being said, I have been thinking about online dating again.

I know. I have sworn off online dating for the longest time, claiming it to be the literal worst thing ever.

In the past, I have found that online dating makes me more hard on myself for my weight and appearance. It has made me questioned my worth, and that was not healthy for me. Online dating was also a way for me to get attention and to feel wanted, when I hadn’t been getting anything or to help me feel better about myself. It oddly made me feel good and bad about myself.

As I downloaded the app yesterday, I asked myself, “Why? Why am I doing this? Am I doing this for attention? Am I confident in myself in who I am and my value? Am I just feeling desperate for boyfriend?”

I was able to answer that “No, I am not doing this for attention. Yes, I am confident in who I am. No, I am not desperate. I’m doing this to make all options available. ” With that, I set up my account.

Also, before when I was using online dating, I would become someone who is constantly checking the app and searching for more matches, so I also decided to set time boundaries. My goal here isn’t to meet someone immediately. My goal is to have this as a possible tool to meet someone, since my usual visiting spots are the gym, grocery store, church, and the gas station…

And those just aren’t happening at the moment.

It’s just that I feel ready. Like I feel healed, well prepared, confident in God’s love for me. A couple months ago, I finally surrendered my overwhelming desire for a husband, and I have been content with God. He is totally enough for me.

I just felt like I should be putting myself out there in some kind of way. I have been trying to get involved in activities, but it’s so draining sometimes. Typical Introvert.

My focus here is God. Trusting God in this process and in my next steps, and opening up all doors for possibility.

And who knows? I might just end up deleting the app in a couple days anyway.

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Mark 11:24 (NIV)

²⁴ Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

redeemed.

There was a time when I didn’t know or understand God to the extent I do now. I went to a Christian school for most of my childhood. I have seen and heard countless speakers from all those chapel days, and I remember the best ones were when the person was crazy passionate about God. Usually, their stories were complicated, and they involved the speaker turning away from God or not knowing God, and then God delivered them from their pain.

You could hear it in their voices, and you could see it on their faces that their lives changed because Jesus literally saved them from a pit of hell.

I remember praying one day that I wanted that fire because I knew I didn’t have it. I didn’t understand or know the same God they did. To me, my sins felt minor. My sins were lying, pride, selfish, and maybe occasionally being tempted to copy homework or look at someone’s test, which I thought made me an “okay” person. I hadn’t sinned that drastically, so when I came before God and asked for forgiveness, I didn’t realize the extent of how much He would forgive. I thought my sins were minor, so my forgiveness felt minor.

The Lord answered this tiny prayer of mine, and it is probably one of my most favorite answered prayer because I can connect with God in a way I have never thought possible or even imagined. I see how much God forgives, and I understand his GRACE and MERCY like never before, and because of all this, I am extremely compassionate and understanding. I know I have no right to judge someone for their life or their sins, and I believe that there is nothing God cannot REDEEM.

There was a dark time in my life that God has been restoring and redeeming. Although I made choices and decisions I cannot take back, I believe He has forgiven me, He has healed me, and He will somehow use this for his glory.

 If God can redeem me and the things I have done, God can redeem you too.

REDEEM: To release from debt; repair, restore; to free from distress

Joel 2:25 (AMP)

²⁵ “And I will compensate you for the years
That the swarming locust has eaten,
The creeping locust, the stripping locust, and the gnawing locust—
My great army which I sent among you.

Romans 3:23-24 (NIV)

²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.