The Winning Team

In my last post, I mentioned that as a 31 and single woman I felt like the kid getting picked last for teams. And on Sunday, the pastor at Vive Church gave a word, and I know it was from God.. for ME. He talked about how good it felt getting picked on the winning team in school.

It was just amazing to see God hear my cry and give a word to help me change my perspective.

It’s not about me getting picked by a guy. It’s not about being married. It’s not about feeling last. It’s about being on His team. I am on the winning team with God. Shouldn’t that be satisfaction enough? And God chose me.

I always tend to focus in on this thing I don’t have in my life, but I just need to be satisfied in His love, His victory, and knowing the battle is already won. He has already given me His Promise. I need to stand and walk in His victory and be confident in who I am. Who God wants me to be. Who He is challenging me to be.

Clearly, this is a struggle for me. Like God opens me eyes and shows me He is ENOUGH for me, but then I get lost in the desires of heart, and I start listening to the lies of the enemy that God is withholding something from me. I want to be consistent in believing God’s promise, and I need to adjust my strategy for when the enemy comes around.

Anyway, the pastor’s word totally encouraged me, and so I want to encourage you. God hears you. He answers prayer. He LOVES you. You are special. He has a plan for you. He comes through in His Promises. He is the God of Miracles. Believe it, Stand firm in it.

2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

⁷ for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Live Your Life

Being single is not a waiting game. I am tired of hearing “if you are in this time of singleness and you are just waiting for a spouse.” I am tired of MYSELF thinking and saying this too that I am waiting for a husband.

Like, Jessica, just live your life. This is your life. You want to travel? Go do it, don’t be waiting for a spouse to go with you. You want a house? Go do it, don’t be waiting for a husband to live with you.

This year, I have really been able to let go of the overwhelming desire for a husband. I surrendered this desire completely to God. I mean yes, I can still be sad about it like in my previous post. But before I still had my hold on it because I was still letting guys disrespect me, and I was still doing what I wanted to do.

I asked God to fill me, fill me up with HIS love and help me to be satisfied in HIM, which I, honestly, don’t think I ever have been. I’ve always wanted something else or something temporary, God never seemed to be enough for me, and I wanted to change that.

God is enough for me. Christ is enough me. I need to stop thinking that I am just waiting around for a spouse, when I have a life to live. I have dreams that I need to start acting on. Nothing can fulfill me, only God can, and I want to start doing what He has created me for, what he SAVED me for. The more satisfied in Christ I become, the more I want to spend time with him. The more I spend time with him, the more satisfied I am in HIM. 

Live your life! Submit yourself daily to Jesus, talk to him daily, obey him daily, represent him daily, resist the devil daily, do something daily for God.

 

Psalm 37:4 (NIV)

⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

DELIGHT– be fully, completely, joyfully satisfied in Christ.

Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters

ready?

Since my breakup in 2014, I have been through an amazing journey. A journey that directed me to get healing from my past. A journey that opened my eyes to the wonders of God. A journey that prepared me to ultimately surrender.

I totally trust God, and I believe He can have me meet anyone at any time. It’s just that I don’t seem to get out too much these days.

That being said, I have been thinking about online dating again.

I know. I have sworn off online dating for the longest time, claiming it to be the literal worst thing ever.

In the past, I have found that online dating makes me more hard on myself for my weight and appearance. It has made me questioned my worth, and that was not healthy for me. Online dating was also a way for me to get attention and to feel wanted, when I hadn’t been getting anything or to help me feel better about myself. It oddly made me feel good and bad about myself.

As I downloaded the app yesterday, I asked myself, “Why? Why am I doing this? Am I doing this for attention? Am I confident in myself in who I am and my value? Am I just feeling desperate for boyfriend?”

I was able to answer that “No, I am not doing this for attention. Yes, I am confident in who I am. No, I am not desperate. I’m doing this to make all options available. ” With that, I set up my account.

Also, before when I was using online dating, I would become someone who is constantly checking the app and searching for more matches, so I also decided to set time boundaries. My goal here isn’t to meet someone immediately. My goal is to have this as a possible tool to meet someone, since my usual visiting spots are the gym, grocery store, church, and the gas station…

And those just aren’t happening at the moment.

It’s just that I feel ready. Like I feel healed, well prepared, confident in God’s love for me. A couple months ago, I finally surrendered my overwhelming desire for a husband, and I have been content with God. He is totally enough for me.

I just felt like I should be putting myself out there in some kind of way. I have been trying to get involved in activities, but it’s so draining sometimes. Typical Introvert.

My focus here is God. Trusting God in this process and in my next steps, and opening up all doors for possibility.

And who knows? I might just end up deleting the app in a couple days anyway.

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Mark 11:24 (NIV)

²⁴ Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Nearly 30

Yikes. The big 3-0 is approaching pretty quickly, and I don’t think I am ready for it.

It’s hard because I honestly thought I was going to be young forever. I never pictured my life past 30, and it’s terrifying. My hope and dream since I was young was to be married before 30, and God made it clear that it was just not going to happen. It’s something I have had to surrender to God, and it is really hurtful. 

It’s hard for me to see friends and family have the life I have wanted. I wonder a lot why God has me on this path. What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I supposed to be reaching? 

I believe I am supposed to speak to the single people, to the broken-hearted, to the lost. Why? Because I have been every. single. one. of those. 

I’ve been lost. I went down a path in college that I am not proud of, and there are so many lies from the enemy that come back to try to steer us away from Him. I have believed that no one would love me because of the things I have done. I have believed that I was too broken, too dirty, too far gone to come before Jesus. 

I’ve been broken-hearted. I have given my whole heart to someone and believed we were going to get married. I saw a future with this guy, and I started building toward that future. Unfortunately, he wasn’t picturing that same future. I watched as he moved on. I watched as he replaced me, and I stayed single. I have believed the lies that I am replaceable, that I don’t matter, that he never truly cared, that I wasn’t enough.

I’ve been single. It’s been really hard for me to digest being single because I really want someone to do life with me right by my side. I want that best friend, that partner, that love. It definitely gets tougher as you get older because your best friends get married, and your relationship changes. You aren’t their go-to person anymore, and you aren’t quite sure if they have time to be yours. I have believed the lies that I won’t ever have a husband, that God doesn’t want me to have a husband, that I don’t deserve one, that there are better options for him.

You cannot believe these lies. You must reject and battle these lies with the truth, God’s truth. You are chosen, created, loved, worthy, desirable. 

God searches for you when you are lost until you have been found. 

God heals the broken-hearted and binds up the wounds completely. 

God is walking with you so you are never alone. 

Remember that if a thought is bringing you down, then it is NOT from God, and you need to dismiss it. You need to speak God’s truth over it to conquer it.

God has found me and healed me, and He is currently walking with me. If He has done this for me, He will surely be there for you. I am living proof that God is constantly reaching for us.  He wants to know you. 

 

Ephesians 1:4 (NIV)

⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

 

crush-ing it

Unlike my high school days, it’s become very rare for me to have a crush. Especially, since I have become so guarded.

I started crushing on this guy lately. He was super nice, funny, friendly, career in place, belief still unknown, but I started thinking “hey, something could come from this.”

That’s when I started praying Lord I’m giving this to you. Let your will be done. Reveal if this is a good fit. 

Now… something I have picked up on is that most taken guys tend to go out of their way to mention their girlfriend or wife as soon as possible.

Two seconds into meeting them for the first time, they are like,

“Oh, there’s the color purple. My wife loves that color”

“Oh you had chicken for lunch? My girlfriend makes the best chicken dish”

At first, I found this a bit annoying because I took it as guys thinking I was automatically interested in the them, but now as a single girl reaching her 30’s…

I am starting to appreciate it.

Because seriously… the guys that keep popping up in MY life are the silent ones. The ones who deny they have a girlfriend or don’t bring up a girlfriend …. and thankfully Facebook DOES exist, so I can get their story straight for them. Since they clearly don’t have the integrity to do it themselves.

Basically less than a week later, I found out he had a girlfriend, and not from him telling me. I was carpooling with him and some other people to an event, and this super cute girl started calling his phone. It was all propped up on his dashboard for every one to see, and he was like uhhh I’ll call them back later, and then Facebook confirmed with couple-ly pictures.

I just keep feeling like a fool every time I meet one of these guys and see potential, only to be disappointed and hurt.

I am thankful I find out pretty quickly. The Lord knows me so well. He knows my heart jumps all in, and He knows once I really like the guy I fall pretty quickly no matter how hard I try to have a clear head. He’s protecting me and showing me my worth at the same time.  ❤

 

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

⁶ Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Grace- Why can’t I accept you?

Over the weekend, I woke up and weighed myself. In disgust and shock at my number, I quickly got ready to head to the gym.

As I was at the gym, insecurities trickled in and attacked me.

You’re overweight, you don’t look like that skinny chick, you’ll never look like her, YOU’RE TOO FAR BEHIND.

That’s when it hit me. This is the exact same feeling I have when I struggle with my relationship with God. I mess up a little bit, and then suddenly, I am back to all my old habits,  and I let myself go. I gain weight or sin, and I spiral down this tornado where I torture myself.

I have SUCH a hard time accepting God’s grace.  I know God loves me and forgives me, but I am so hard on myself when I mess up that I step away from God and the gym, and I punish myself by doing that. I can’t seem to accept God’s grace as quickly as I receive it.

The below verse (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) blew my mind as I was writing this post.

It’s inevitable. I will mess up, but God can still use me in my weakness, my insecurities, my issues. During my times of weakness, it only makes me stronger with God supporting me by my side.

Just because God doesn’t free you from something, doesn’t mean you are forever broken or unusable,  but that doesn’t mean you should let yourself go down the sinful life path either. I need to still work out and stay in shape even though I love burgers and pizza. I need to still talk to God daily even though I sin a lot. I should love myself as I am inside and out, but I can still work on improving myself in limitations and strides, just like Paul did.

It won’t be an overnight transformation.

Although I may slip and break my healthy habits with unhealthy ones, with God’s strength, I can persevere and my faith can get stronger even though I still struggle with sin.

God’s GRACE IS SUFFICIENT.

KNOW IT.

BELIEVE IT.

RECEIVE IT.

 

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (MSG)

^7-10 Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

Waiting is an Action.

Sometimes I feel being single is like I am sitting on the sidelines of a game. I am watching everyone around me get into a relationship, get engaged, or get married, and I am awkwardly eating a left over orange slice from halftime by myself.

Waiting doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be doing anything. Waiting isn’t a vacation or a license to watch Netflix all day (Totally guilty of this BTW).

Contrary to our belief, waiting is an action. To wait means to remain stationary in readiness or expectation.

During our time of waiting, there should be preparations. Whether you are waiting for your future spouse, your next job, a child, have you prepared yourself to the best of your ability? Have you read baby books? Have you updated your resume and practiced for your interviews? Have you sharpened yourself and found satisfaction in God?

Waiting is a part of life, and we will always be waiting for something. So instead of getting angry and upset like I normally do in traffic and sometimes during my season of waiting for my future husband, I need to change my attitude and find a way to succeed at waiting.

When I drive, I get super angry when I see someone cutting. I see them speed past all those  cars patiently waiting, and I see them get ahead. However, when I get angry, it’s only hurting me and my day. When I see people on Facebook getting things I have patiently been waiting for (new job, marriage, buying a house), if I get angry and upset, it’s only hurting me and my day.

It’s now my job to make the best out of waiting. I need to be happy in the waiting. I need to work on myself and strengthen my relationship with God. I need to trust that it will all happen in God’s perfect plan for me, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be easy and that I won’t have hardships. I can succeed at waiting with God as my refuge and fortress. 

 

Psalm 91:1-6 (NIV)

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.

 

 

Know your worth.

Recently, someone from my past reached out to me, and the words from this person made me feel worthless. He made me feel like I was just an object, just something to use. For a second, he made me question my value and he made me question God’s promise for me, and in the past I might have let it happen, but not this time.

Over the past couple of months, I have been rebuilding myself. My weak foundation has been replaced with the concrete word of God. The dried up branches not producing fruit have been cut.

This transformation, I believe, is the other thing God is trying to show me in this time of waiting. He wants to transform me, mold me, make me better, make me stronger.

My want for change and this transformation has to be stronger than comfort and my desire to stay the same.

This requires sacrifice, perseverance, and determination. In those times of weakness, I need to seek God. I need to battle my thoughts and my own self desire.

When this guy started to make me feel worthless, I battled this. I rejected it, and instead, I heard God’s promise whisper into my ear “You will be treated like my daughter.”

I had peace that the man God has for me will treat me like a queen. What the enemy has taken from me will be returned in full and more.

You ARE valuable. You ARE cherished. You ARE a treasure.

Your value and worth comes from God. There is nothing on this earth that can define you any less valuable or worthy than what God says you are.

You are His. His Daughter, His Son,  His creation.

Don’t let anyone take away that worth. Let Him fill you up.

 

John 10:10 (NIV)

¹⁰ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

James 1:13-14  (NIV)

¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.

 

 

Your Ex is Not Your Soulmate.

Every so often, I wonder. I wonder how my ex is doing. This is something I have always done, even before this last relationship. With my first serious boyfriend, I thought about him for ages after we broke up, literally YEARS. I always thought he was my soulmate… Let’s just say, I watched The Notebook too many times…

He was the guy I was always wondering about and thinking that we would end up together, which obviously did not happen. We always kept in touch, but he isn’t my soulmate. In fact, he is married, so he is definitely not my soulmate.

Because I had felt that this last relationship was going to result in marriage, I still think back to him and our times, and it’s hard not to because of freaking “On This Day” in Facebook.

Today, you and YOUR EX stated that you loved each other.

Today, you and YOUR EX celebrated your anniversary.

Today, you and YOUR EX took this super cute pic together.

Thank you Facebook, really.

Once I do cave and look at social media, I find yet another thing he is experiencing with her that he did with me. I feel like I am being written or recorded over like I am an old school VHS that got popped into the player, and a better show or movie came on that is taking my place.

I can’t help but think of the line in Cher Lloyd’s song ‘Want U Back’

Remember all the things that you and I did first?
And now you’re doing them with her

At least this is how I felt the other day. I broke down a bit, and a lie popped into my head- that she is better than me. I just started praying to God that He would fill this part in my heart. I asked God to take away this lingering pain and desire to still check up on him and to replace it with peace, joy,and contentment from Him.

This guy isn’t my soulmate. In fact, the only soulmate, I should have is Jesus. I know it sounds super cheesy, but think about it.

He is the only one I can wholeheartedly give my heart without the heartbreak, give my trust without the lies, and give my faith without the doubt. I can rely on Jesus for anything and everything. I know He will pull through, I know He has my back, and I know He is protecting and comforting my heart.

Jesus is my soulmate. Jesus is with me always.

Psalm 86:15 (NIV)

¹⁵ But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
    slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

 

 

Wait and See

Waiting has been my season for awhile, and if you have been reading my blog at all, you know how much I have been complaining about this season.

For the past couple of months, I have been struggling. Struggling to know my next career move, to know my future husband, to find a church home, to be close with God, to figure out my purpose and where God wants me.

You should be happy to know that my eyes have been opened up. I have never felt so peaceful about my season until now, and it has literally changed me! I am hoping and praying to keep this joy and peace going even though it’s only been two days!

I was tired of complaining, and I knew I needed to change my attitude about

W A  I   T    I     N       G

It felt like longer I waited, the more frustrated I got, and I wasn’t sure how to change my attitude.

This morning I opened up a new journal, and there was a doodle. I was supposed to color, write, pray, however I wanted. So, being an artist, I immediately started coloring. As I began to color,  I was also opening up myself to let God speak to me.

Within seconds I felt God tell me that He’s already written my lines (my life, my purpose), and He will reveal His promises and His plans as He is coloring in my life.

I mean it takes a painter awhile to make a masterpiece. Life isn’t like the Paint program on your computer where you can fill in the page within seconds and get everything you ever wanted. I don’t even know if this makes sense at all, but it was really eye opening and meaningful to me.

God has revealed to me that there is beauty in waiting, too. That this is a time for me to KNOW Him and pursue Him, and I trust that He has got my back and a plan. Also, it felt  like God helped me realign my priorities too. I couldn’t help but think  of this quote someone posted,

“Run fast as you can toward God and if someone keeps up, introduce yourself.”

So, I guess I will W A  I    T          & SEE.

Isaiah 30:18 (NIV)

¹⁸ Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
    therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
    Blessed are all who wait for him!