Opening Doors of the Past

Every so often, I do this thing where I think about my past. I dwell about the choices I made, the friendships that were spoiled, the guys I dated.

Usually, this happens because something triggered a memory that causes me to open up the entire file.

It’s more than a reflection for me though; I re-live the memories all over again. Feeling the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So my once healed heart and mind is now exposed to everything I have fought to move past. I almost feel like I have to forgive and move on all over again. It is really draining, and it causes me to question if I ever healed in the first place.

I am starting to see though that I am healed, and it’s the enemy’s agenda to draw out the past, to cause me to question, to cause me to stumble… again.

The choices I made had consciences, but Jesus took the fall for me and my sins. The friendships that ended hurt me deeply, but Jesus coached me to forgive and has given me an abundance of friendships. The guys I dated left open scars and made me question my self worth, but Jesus healed me and opened my eyes to my identity in Him.

This healing process for all of these things did not take a day or two, but years. And the enemy knows this. The enemy likes to bring up the past and tell us that there is something lingering. That’s the whisper he implants in the back of our mind and then he taunts us with our memories and in our dreams. He wants to take a knife and slowly open up the scars again.

I now realize that I need to approach this the same way I approached the negative thoughts I believed about myself. I need to fight. I need to protect my heart and mind with the armor of God, and I need to fight with the truth that Jesus has completely healed me.

He washed me of my sins.

He helped me master forgiveness after holding onto the pain of failed friendships.

He put my heart together again after guys have completely smashed it. 

Jesus is my healer, and I need to continue seeking Him, especially when I am tempted and haunted by the past. He is making in me a new thing. The past doesn’t matter anymore, Jesus has healed that and IT IS FINISHED. I need to fight the lie that I should feel shame for my past choices, feel pain from those friendships, feel heartbroken and unfinished from those guys. Jesus has healed me, and I find freedom in that truth.

Isaiah 43:19 (NIV)

¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

 

 

 

 

 

Love: Reality vs Expectation

I haven’t posted anything in awhile, and that’s honestly because I haven’t wanted to say anything. I have felt compelled at certain times, but instead, I’ve just been silent, which I think is good at times. I’ve gone through some ups and downs since my last post. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve been angry, and I’ve learned some lessons.

I’m at a really good place right now where I am learning that life isn’t about finding the one or living a life with a spouse. Life is about me being content with me, being the best me I can be with the help of God, loving God and just having His love be enough. God is enough for me.

For most of my life, I have just wanted a boyfriend/husband. I don’t know how or why, but it was ingrained in my brain that that was the process of life. My expectation was go to school, get into college, meet someone in college, get engaged, get married, pursue a career, buy a house, build a family. Maybe because I played the game LIFE too much…

My process, my reality, is completely different, and I am starting to accept it. In fact, I am starting to embrace my reality.

Instead of wondering why you don’t have your expectation, try to figure out what you can learn and grow in this reality. 

I have been really learning and understanding that no man can ever complete me and realizing that people who are married can still be learning this concept as well.

There is this illusion out there that marriage can solve things, marriage can change things, married people have things figured out, but this isn’t true at all. 

Truth be told, I am happy learning and understanding this concept as a single person rather than a married person. I don’t have any distractions. I am just being me and God is molding me to be the best person I can be before I meet my husband.

It can be hard during this day and age with “love” constantly showing everywhere. Movies, music, and books are defining love, when that definition of love fades. On the outside when you look at this love, it’s hard to not want it. It looks easy, you can touch it, you can feel it, but this love will never satisfy you.

God’s love is pure. His love is enough. His love never stops. He always forgives. He understands. He is patient. He is always there. Always there to pick you up, always there to fill you up, always there to protect, to defend, to lead. His love is powerful. His love endures forever.

Psalm 136:26 (NIV)

²⁶ Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

More than an Object.

I am writing this with frustration and pain. There is a certain type of guy that is constantly attracted to me. I am not sure if other women out there experience this very same thing, or if maybe it’s just me.

But, there is a type of guy that constantly sees me an object. I am a physical encounter, something to admire and fantasize about, something to say sexual things to.

I honestly just thought that these kind of encounters were normal and that I just needed to deal with them in my own time, but for some reason, my most recent experience just left me in tears because I am so tired of this. Since I was 15 years old, I have been treated this way.

It just makes my heart hurt. I feel beaten down. I feel torn up. I feel used simply by the words that were spoken to me. Words and actions that make me question my value, my worth.

What these guys are seeking and what they are valuing, does not define my value. But, it still is a crappy feeling, it is still hurtful, and it still feeds a lie. There are times when I have felt guilty for not giving men what they want, and that sickens me too.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought about writing a post like this, but I haven’t because that would mean I would have to admit to having men abuse my heart and take advantage of my body. That’s not something I have been wanting to admit and write about, but I honestly can’t take it anymore. I can’t even imagine girls growing up in the age and feeling this immense pressure from men to give in. Between Tinder hooks ups, the media, bar scenes, and porn. Sex is readily available for men, and it is affecting how they treat women.

I have been asking myself, “Is there something I am doing to attract this type of guy?” I honestly can’t think of anything. I mean within 5 mins of a conversation with a guy, he alluded to us hooking up.

I think what I need to start doing is being more verbal to the men that treat me this way. I need to verbally tell them that what they said is not okay. The way they are treating me is not okay and how it makes me feel. This is going to be a little difficult for me because I am the type of person to go with the flow, not have a problem with people. For me to verbally stand up in the moment will be a difficult task for me.

Lord, I pray for boldness to stand in your authority and proclaim my worth to anyone who treats me as less than what I am. I pray for anyone who is reading this that is also experiencing the same anger and pain that you also give them the same boldness and that we are all able to stand together in unity and speak truth over ourselves and fight the words from the enemy. Jesus, we desperately need your help in the battle, and we cannot do this alone. Be our protector, our nurturer, our shoulder to cry on. Take away our anger and pain, and give us the strength to walk through this battle and to defend ourselves. When we walk in your authority, we are covered by the blood of Jesus, and we will not be shaken. Amen.

Isaiah 43:2 (NIV)

² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

heart on the mend

I know better, and I feel so stupid that I let myself put my heart out there again. Whenever my friends tell me about their new crush or guy they are dating, the first words out of my mouth are take it slow, don’t fall too hard too fast. And then I end up doing the exact opposite when something happens to me.

When you jump too quickly, you get hurt pretty quickly. It’s just that I always get so excited. I love the beginning feelings, and I want love.

There are not a lot of opportunities for me to meet someone any more. I don’t go out to places and have a sole intention to try to meet someone to date, and I am not doing it online either. So when I start liking someone these days, it’s a big deal. 

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t follow my advice, and I am hurting. I am proud of myself for putting myself in a vulnerable place because I haven’t done that in awhile, but I am also kicking myself because I should have known better. I just feel so stupid…

I have no regrets in the way I acted on my side because I acted how I am. I probably texted when I shouldn’t have. I probably went out of my way for this guy when I shouldn’t have. I probably said too many nice and encouraging things that I shouldn’t have. But that’s WHO I AM.

It’s at this time that I have to remind myself of what I deserve. I deserve the best, and to be treated as such. I deserve to be pursued. I deserve to be loved in a really amazing way. I am a great catch, and if a guy can’t see that and act on it, then I need to let that guy go.

It’s easier said than done… But I need to keep my head up. I need to heal and move on. I still believe there is someone out there for me.

1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 

Beauty isn’t a number.

This morning, I woke up, and I was thinking about weighing myself to see my progress. Instead, I chose to put on my clothes for the day and look at myself in the mirror. I thought I looked good, and I was pleased with my body. I was happy. Technically, I still have some arm fat, a little tummy, and my legs are thick, but I accepted my body just as it was. Beautiful and wonderfully made.

Weight has always been a hurtful and painful thing for me to deal with. Since I was in high school, it was a thing. I had to weigh a certain amount, and when I gained weight, it just started a slippery slope because instead of inspiring me to exercise and be healthy, it caused me to become depressed and either eat more or starve myself. I viewed it as if I was failing.

It didn’t help that I was staring and admiring magazines, which just reinforced my insecurities.

Looking down at a simple number, I thought I wasn’t valuable or pretty, I thought guys wouldn’t like me, I thought I wasn’t special.

So this morning, I thought about weighing myself, but I also didn’t want to get down on myself. I KNOW the numbers trigger thoughts that I sometimes have a hard time fighting.

I, instead, asked myself some questions. Am I proud of myself? Do I think I look good?

Yes. And I walked away not knowing or caring about the number that I let define me for YEARS.

I do think it’s important to have goals, but my first goal should be happiness, and I don’t think it’s healthy to beat yourself up over a silly number on a scale. That number doesn’t define you. You define you.

God created us all different shapes, sizes, colors. There is no ONE definition of beauty like magazines seems to outline.

If you are struggling to see past those imperfections, ask God today to reveal your beauty to yourself. You are beautiful. You are so amazing, so cherished, and filled with value. Say it until you mean it, and don’t let yourself forget that. God created you for a purpose, and He made you perfect in his eyes. Your body is perfect, no matter the shape, size, color, weight.

 

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Moving Forward

Since I have turned 30, the stress of getting married has surprisingly gone away. Before when the days started getting closer to 30, I prayed that I would at least just meet my husband before 30, at least that.

I don’t know if that is true, but I do know that my heart is in a place where I am not willing to accept anything less than being treated like a queen.

I refuse to chase after a guy to make it happen.

I refuse to play games.

I refuse to be treated like an object.

Something has happened in me. A confidence. A declaration. I will not settle for less.

For the last 30 years, I have been desperate for love, but I found something different. I found guys who used me, guys who lied to me, guys who had agendas, guys who just wanted my attention, guys who were unmotivated. I would just bend over backwards for these kind of guys believing them, thinking they could change. But it always ended in heartbreak, not for them, but for me.

I was willing to sacrifice anything for the love that I craved, seeking the wrong love. I will not find a love that satisfies me from a man. The only love that will be satisfying, never ending, and never disappointing… will be God’s love for me.

Although I do want to marry someday and have someone to do life with, God has me right here in this moment experiencing being single so I can feel it, understand it, and speak about it. God isn’t holding out on me. God isn’t hiding anything from me. And every day I become more and more secure in myself.

Over the many years of being single, people have said many of the following…

• “Once you stop looking, then it will happen”
• “I wish I could see you married/with a family/etc.”
• “Be patient. It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
• “Why are you single? You’re so awesome” (Dude, I know.)
• “You should try online dating. My friend met their husband/wife that way.” 
• “One day when you’re married, you’ll wish you were single.”
• “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

I know that people are trying to be encouraging. I really do, but it is not helpful. It can actually be more hurtful than helpful because it just keeps sounding like people are pitying me, like I have a disease, like I am incomplete.

I have moved on from staring at the things I don’t have, I really do not need you to bring attention to it either. I am saying this with love too, not trying to be rude or sassy. Instead, encourage me with God, my family, my other relationships. In fact, I need you to do this, so I do not stare or dwell on the fact that I am single.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails. 

Nearly 30

Yikes. The big 3-0 is approaching pretty quickly, and I don’t think I am ready for it.

It’s hard because I honestly thought I was going to be young forever. I never pictured my life past 30, and it’s terrifying. My hope and dream since I was young was to be married before 30, and God made it clear that it was just not going to happen. It’s something I have had to surrender to God, and it is really hurtful. 

It’s hard for me to see friends and family have the life I have wanted. I wonder a lot why God has me on this path. What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I supposed to be reaching? 

I believe I am supposed to speak to the single people, to the broken-hearted, to the lost. Why? Because I have been every. single. one. of those. 

I’ve been lost. I went down a path in college that I am not proud of, and there are so many lies from the enemy that come back to try to steer us away from Him. I have believed that no one would love me because of the things I have done. I have believed that I was too broken, too dirty, too far gone to come before Jesus. 

I’ve been broken-hearted. I have given my whole heart to someone and believed we were going to get married. I saw a future with this guy, and I started building toward that future. Unfortunately, he wasn’t picturing that same future. I watched as he moved on. I watched as he replaced me, and I stayed single. I have believed the lies that I am replaceable, that I don’t matter, that he never truly cared, that I wasn’t enough.

I’ve been single. It’s been really hard for me to digest being single because I really want someone to do life with me right by my side. I want that best friend, that partner, that love. It definitely gets tougher as you get older because your best friends get married, and your relationship changes. You aren’t their go-to person anymore, and you aren’t quite sure if they have time to be yours. I have believed the lies that I won’t ever have a husband, that God doesn’t want me to have a husband, that I don’t deserve one, that there are better options for him.

You cannot believe these lies. You must reject and battle these lies with the truth, God’s truth. You are chosen, created, loved, worthy, desirable. 

God searches for you when you are lost until you have been found. 

God heals the broken-hearted and binds up the wounds completely. 

God is walking with you so you are never alone. 

Remember that if a thought is bringing you down, then it is NOT from God, and you need to dismiss it. You need to speak God’s truth over it to conquer it.

God has found me and healed me, and He is currently walking with me. If He has done this for me, He will surely be there for you. I am living proof that God is constantly reaching for us.  He wants to know you. 

 

Ephesians 1:4 (NIV)

⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

 

Apples and Oranges

Comparing yourself to anyone else whether it be your personality, looks, life events, etc., it is apples and oranges.

You are not like the rest. You do stand out. You are valuable.

For most of my life, I have had a bad habit of comparing myself to others. And to be honest, I am still working on it. My brain is wired to evaluate and review, which means I am constantly picking up similarities and differences.

Comparing is the gateway to other negative thoughts that only leads down a darker road. 

Even as I am writing this, I will admit that I am trying so hard not to compare myself.  I watch movies where a girl simply shows up out of nowhere, and a guy instantly wants to know her, pursue her, date her.

For some reason, it bothers me and comforts me at the same time.

In that moment, what makes her stand out? I want to be that girl, but I feel like the one in the background getting blurred over. I am not throwing a pity party for myself right now; I am being honest in describing how I feel sometimes. I feel overlooked and undervalued by others, which then leads down so many paths of negative thoughts that are not even true.

“by others” that’s the key right there. My value isn’t defined by others. I don’t know why I can’t comprehend or accept that God values me so much, and His opinion of me should be the only thing I need. He isn’t overlooking me; in fact, He is the one pursing me.

God views us all as the girl slowly entering the scene. He has loved us, pursued us, and been there for us from the very beginning.

Lord, I pray for everyone dealing with comparison right now. I pray you open their eyes and hearts (mine too!) to the fact that your view of us is the ONLY thing that matters. I pray this thought is believed, received, and lived. We are enough for you, and you made us perfect in your image. Lord, I trust you with my life. I surrender my life, and I surrender the desires of my heart to you. I give you my heart and my fears. Please give me the strength, as well as others, to recognize comparing when it happens, to see the destruction of it, and to pick up the Word of God to fight it.

Psalm 139:14  (AMP)

¹⁴ I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

 

 

PAID FOR

These words are written on a parking pass from last weekend, and every time I read them, I can’t help but think about how meaningful it is.

What does this mean to be paid for?

I think about life as if everyone is in a car. We are all driving in different directions, take different paths, and have different destinations.

Sometimes we stray off. We park where we are not supposed to, or we speed on the freeway, or we venture into the carpool lane illegally. We mess up, we sin. And for that, we get a ticket.

The thing is, Jesus has already paid the price for that ticket and for all your tickets. It doesn’t matter the price whether its lying, stealing, adultery, etc. It’s PAID. It’s DONE. He has already taken the bullet for you.

When we give that ticket, that mistake to Jesus, He takes the guilt away, the shame, and instead fills us with His love, His mercy, His peace. We just need to give it to him.

I messed up recently, and I have felt so shameful. I felt like I had come so far in changing who I am and my behavior to reflect what I believe. I believe in Jesus and what He stands for, how could I sin that badly again? I know I won’t be perfect, but still. And I forget that all sins are the same to Him.

Seeing these words “PAID FOR,” they were the words I needed to read. I am PAID FOR. Jesus paid the price for ME. He forgives me. He loves me. He knows I will mess up again, and guess what? I will be PAID FOR again. I sometimes forget how deep His mercy and love go for me. They go to the depths of the seas and beyond for ME. For YOU.

The enemy doesn’t want us to know this or fathom this. He wants us to hold onto our tickets, let them stack up, so his lies can grow in our minds and destroy us. Lies that we are too broken, too far gone, too messed up, too damaged.

My friends, you are paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ. Don’t forget it.

Romans 6:10-14 (NIV)

¹⁰ The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. ¹¹ In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. ¹² Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. ¹³ Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. ¹⁴ For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

To the lost:

I want you to know that God is reaching for you. He is desperately trying to get a hold of you. It’s like when you drop your phone/keys in between your seat in your car. He is squeezing his hand hoping to grasp you with just his fingertips. He is wanting to reach you, to find you, to save you from the pit of darkness.

You are meaningful. You are worth it. You have value. You have a purpose.

I know that it’s easy to brush these words away. I know I did when I felt lost. But I praying with my whole heart at this very moment that God encounters you. I pray He shows you that He has such a RECKLESS LOVE for you.  He is willing to leave all of His sheep to find YOU… the lost, the broken, the depressed, the abandoned, the fatherless.

I have seen the darkness, been consumed by it, tried to down myself in other things just for temporary fixes. I’ve been there, and sometimes it tries to visit me again, but I am encouraged by the fact that God has saved me countless times. He is always going out of His way to direct me back to Him. Sometimes it requires changes on my part, and sometimes He knows I just need His love.

 

YOUR LIFE IS PRECIOUS. You are precious to Him.

Lord, I lift up every single person in the entire world to you that is lost in darkness. I pray you break it in JESUS’S name. That your light just opens up to every single person. That they are able to hear YOUR WORDS alone. That they realize you thought of them before they were born. That you created them with a loving purpose. That you have a divine plan for them. Jesus, I break off depression, loneliness, low self-worth, rejection, brokenness in YOUR NAME JESUS. Break it off. I declare no more. I pray a fresh breath of life floods over the lost. That you renew their hearts and minds. Clear it of all negative thoughts. I pray for healing, Lord. I believe you can bring every single lost person back to you. Jesus, I believe you can do this. Thank you for your love. Your reckless love that keeps pursuing and coming for us. Amen.

*Dedicated to Vinny… You always had a special place in my heart. Rest in peace, my friend. I pray with all my heart that I see you in heaven.*

Matthew 18:12-14 (NIV)

¹² “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? ¹³ And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. ¹⁴ In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.